Parenting for newbies
My brother, W, has only been married for a few months and yet is already delving into the world of parenting books. Do you need a book or strategy to be a parent? No, of course not. My parents didn’t need either one and they seemed to manage just fine. I do find it sweet in a sickening kind of way that my brother is investing so much thought into the horror that awaits him. He is incredibly optimistic and has been ignoring all the activities that will be taken from him once a baby enters his life. Activities that may or may not include:
A. Staying up all night with old fraternity brothers. (Yes, he was in a fraternity in college.)
B. Lazy afternoons spent watching ESPN and/or the Lions/Pistons/Red Wings/Tigers game(s).
C. Devoting every moment of the day to Ultimate Frisbee (be it playing, coaching, traveling to an event, organizing an event, chewing on Frisbees, etc.).
D. Playing Poker at the casino. Winning at the casino. Bragging about it to anyone who will listen.
E. Competing in an All You Can Eat Contest. Winning the contest. Bragging about it to anyone who will listen.
F. Hanging out with old fraternity brothers, again. (Because you can never spend too much time with your former brothers.)
G. Sleeping in until 5 PM, or so, each day…
While these activities may not appeal to everyone, they do hold great value for my brother, W. I can’t imagine him juggling a baby and sleeping in. Let alone a baby and the opportunity to chill with his old frat brothers.
“Duuude, wanna beer?”
“Yeah, just give me a sec to change this dirty diaper.”
Something tells me diaper changing will not be the hit of the party. I suppose it’s better in the long run that my brother doesn’t focus on all he will be giving up. (Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness… Haven’t all parents given up on these things?) Let him read one crazy parenting book after another, I say. What harm can it do?
He is currently raving about the Parenting with Love and Logic approach. I’m no parent but I allowed myself to listen as my brother explained in great detail how it works. You see, instead of punishing your child you provide a series of choices. You apply all choices with love… and logic.
“Amanda, do you want to clean your room or do you want to spend the next week without video games?”
Amanda has a choice at this point. She can clean her room and prosper. Or, if she chooses the second option she faces a heartbreaking week without Wii Bowling. If this method works the child has the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and ideally, will learn to make the best choices. You don’t tell your child what to do, you just find a way to put everything into a sentence with a choice and ensure that you have raised the most spoiled child on the playground. Suppose your child hits another child. Don’t get angry! Provide a choice, instead.
“Amanda, do you want to hit that other child some more or do you want to spend the next month without Strawberry pop-tarts?”
Preferably, Amanda will choose Strawberry pop-tarts over hitting. If not, I’d hate to meet the parent of the other kid.
Following the Love and Logic approach you would never simply command your child to do something. The following phrases would not be kosher:
"Clean your room."
"Do not hit that little boy."
"It’s your bedtime. Go to bed."
"Don’t light the dog on fire."
"Stop stealing cigarettes from the gas station and lighting up in your room."
"I want you to stop hanging out with members of Al Qaeda."
There are more effective ways to communicate the phrases listed above. Just make sure to do so in a positive, loving manner.
"Matthew, you can finish smoking that pack of Marlboros or you can avoid developing lung cancer by the age of 9. Which one will it be? Lung cancer? Really? Okay, you made your choice."
My parents never practiced the Love and Logic approach. They were actually quite cruel. I had no choices. It was always:
"Don’t smoke."
"Don’t do drugs."
"You are going to mass every Sunday. Even if you fall asleep during it or leave your seat 2-3 times claiming you need to go use the bathroom each time."
"No, you cannot sneak out of the house with your cousin, Audrey, in the middle of the night in order to ride your bike up to the gas station, buy Mountain Dew and candy, and return expecting everything to be okay."
It should also be noted that from the moment I was born until 18 years later I was forced to follow a curfew. There was no discussion, no choice. I never had the chance to learn that hanging out on the streets at 4 AM isn’t always the best idea. Even to this day, I have trouble knowing if it is the best idea or not. Is it?
I don’t want to discredit the Love and Logic approach entirely. I just feel other parenting strategies should be considered. This is the book I would use above all others:
Maybe it’s time to send my brother a copy. He could analyze the Love and Logic method versus the Mary Poppins approach to parenting. I personally would go with the Mary Poppins approach. That way kites could be involved in the process and who can say, “No,” to kites?
A. Staying up all night with old fraternity brothers. (Yes, he was in a fraternity in college.)
B. Lazy afternoons spent watching ESPN and/or the Lions/Pistons/Red Wings/Tigers game(s).
C. Devoting every moment of the day to Ultimate Frisbee (be it playing, coaching, traveling to an event, organizing an event, chewing on Frisbees, etc.).
D. Playing Poker at the casino. Winning at the casino. Bragging about it to anyone who will listen.
E. Competing in an All You Can Eat Contest. Winning the contest. Bragging about it to anyone who will listen.
F. Hanging out with old fraternity brothers, again. (Because you can never spend too much time with your former brothers.)
G. Sleeping in until 5 PM, or so, each day…
While these activities may not appeal to everyone, they do hold great value for my brother, W. I can’t imagine him juggling a baby and sleeping in. Let alone a baby and the opportunity to chill with his old frat brothers.
“Duuude, wanna beer?”
“Yeah, just give me a sec to change this dirty diaper.”
Something tells me diaper changing will not be the hit of the party. I suppose it’s better in the long run that my brother doesn’t focus on all he will be giving up. (Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness… Haven’t all parents given up on these things?) Let him read one crazy parenting book after another, I say. What harm can it do?
He is currently raving about the Parenting with Love and Logic approach. I’m no parent but I allowed myself to listen as my brother explained in great detail how it works. You see, instead of punishing your child you provide a series of choices. You apply all choices with love… and logic.
“Amanda, do you want to clean your room or do you want to spend the next week without video games?”
Amanda has a choice at this point. She can clean her room and prosper. Or, if she chooses the second option she faces a heartbreaking week without Wii Bowling. If this method works the child has the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and ideally, will learn to make the best choices. You don’t tell your child what to do, you just find a way to put everything into a sentence with a choice and ensure that you have raised the most spoiled child on the playground. Suppose your child hits another child. Don’t get angry! Provide a choice, instead.
“Amanda, do you want to hit that other child some more or do you want to spend the next month without Strawberry pop-tarts?”
Preferably, Amanda will choose Strawberry pop-tarts over hitting. If not, I’d hate to meet the parent of the other kid.
Following the Love and Logic approach you would never simply command your child to do something. The following phrases would not be kosher:
"Clean your room."
"Do not hit that little boy."
"It’s your bedtime. Go to bed."
"Don’t light the dog on fire."
"Stop stealing cigarettes from the gas station and lighting up in your room."
"I want you to stop hanging out with members of Al Qaeda."
There are more effective ways to communicate the phrases listed above. Just make sure to do so in a positive, loving manner.
"Matthew, you can finish smoking that pack of Marlboros or you can avoid developing lung cancer by the age of 9. Which one will it be? Lung cancer? Really? Okay, you made your choice."
My parents never practiced the Love and Logic approach. They were actually quite cruel. I had no choices. It was always:
"Don’t smoke."
"Don’t do drugs."
"You are going to mass every Sunday. Even if you fall asleep during it or leave your seat 2-3 times claiming you need to go use the bathroom each time."
"No, you cannot sneak out of the house with your cousin, Audrey, in the middle of the night in order to ride your bike up to the gas station, buy Mountain Dew and candy, and return expecting everything to be okay."
It should also be noted that from the moment I was born until 18 years later I was forced to follow a curfew. There was no discussion, no choice. I never had the chance to learn that hanging out on the streets at 4 AM isn’t always the best idea. Even to this day, I have trouble knowing if it is the best idea or not. Is it?
I don’t want to discredit the Love and Logic approach entirely. I just feel other parenting strategies should be considered. This is the book I would use above all others:
Maybe it’s time to send my brother a copy. He could analyze the Love and Logic method versus the Mary Poppins approach to parenting. I personally would go with the Mary Poppins approach. That way kites could be involved in the process and who can say, “No,” to kites?
Labels: daily, love and logic, parenting
